Let’s review the groups I’ve identified over the last couple of years who should be killed with extreme prejudice and without a spit of remorse. Please note that some of the links below don’t work. Sue me.
Part XIII: people who drop food in their tracks and lesbians who stare at me.
Part XII: god bless america performers and sports commentators
Part XI: people who eat with their mouths open
Part X: cast, crew, and viewers of She Spies
Part IX: people who ask for special things to be done to their fast food
Part VIII: people who talk constantly
Part VII: chronic honkers and people who talk loud
Part VI: mouthbreathers
Part V: deluxe edition (4 groups identified!)
Part IV: deluxe edition
Part III: authors of counter-factual communication
Part II: korean dog killers
Part I: people who bark at dogs
Enough with the past. Let’s get on to a whole new epoch of reasoned killing, shall we?
1) Indecisive perfectionists. They’re hard to spot, sometimes you have to shine a flashlight on them to see that their skin is somewhat translucent, like those aliens in Independence Day. Their numbers aren’t great, so killing them won’t alter the course of humanity (as, say, killing all mouthbreathers would). They contribute nothing, sow turmoil, and are generally pesky. Listening to their voices may cause a seizure, which in itself is reason enough to shoot them in the head.
2) Undecided voters who remain undecided up to election day. How is that possible? What kind of retard is so terminally undecided that he/she can’t just get with the program and make a fucking choice? What are you waiting for? A ray of light from God? Get your head out of your ass, or my armies of killers are coming for you.
3) Grossly inarticulate people. “So, I was watching this movie, and the guy comes into the room and the guy is wearing a towel and the girl looks at him and then the other guy comes in the two guys fight.” Literally overheard. Before killing them, these people should be physically harmed at length.
4) People who smell like week-old armpit hairs. Stinkiness crosses all genders, age groups, and nationalities. The mobilization required to wipe out the smellies will be massive, but it’s worth it.
OK, everybody, get killin’!
