In my most recent post below, I heaped generous backhanded praise on TV’s Lost. I’m about to upgrade that backhand to a Wushu bitch slap.
To say I feel deceived and cheated by a TV show would be to give it entirely too much credit. Yes, I was suckered into J.J. Abrams clever world. I waited with baited breath to discover by season’s end the answers to a number of intriguing questions:
- What is the hatch? More importantly, what’s behind the hatch?
- Who exactly is the French lady?
- Who are “the others?”
- What are the forest monsters with the Jurassic shriek?
- What’s up with the psychic kid?
- What is going on with Locke?
- When and how horribly will Maggie Grace be killed?
I am very unhappy to report that not a single one of those questions was answered by the drama-dripping final seconds of the season-1 finale. Frankly? That’s just lowball.
Was I supposed to be so bewitched by 20+ episodes of teasing that–without any gratification–I’d return for yet another season to be tortured again? Is the word “stupid” branded on my forehead?
Let’s take a look at how Lost answered the questions I’ve listed above:
- What is the hatch? More importantly, what’s behind the hatch? We’re not told, but at least they opened the damned thing. I guess they’ll spend most of season two griping and moaning about who gets to go down into the dark scary hole.
- Who exactly is the French lady? No clue. She steals Claire’s baby and takes it to a bonfire on the beach because she misses her kid who was stolen by “the others” and wants to trade Claire’s kid for the one she hasn’t seen in over a decade. Yawn.
- Who are “the others?” No fucking idea.
- What are the forest monsters with the Jurassic shriek? According to crazy French lady, they are “the security system,” a revelation that is as intriguing as it is unrevealing. OK, they’re security, but…what the fuck are they. Sheesh.
- What’s up with the psychic kid? A great and well-told tale of budding preternatural power, completely unfulfilled by season end, and now complicated by the infuriating introduction of the boy’s kidnapping by, uh, pirates?
- What is going on with Locke? Easily the best character on the show. A cloud of mystery floats over Locke’s head. Is his recovery a miracle, self-imposed, an artifact of the island? How come he’s so damned competent at everything? Why was he drawn obsessively to the hatch? Yet more questions that go unanswered.
- When and how horribly will Maggie Grace be killed? Easily the crappiest character on the show. Who let this skank out of central casting? With her Ben Affleck teeth and knobby knees, I can’t imagine why American straight males are ga-ga over every scene in which she bares flesh. Remember that episode where Boone hallucinates that Maggie Grace gets chomped by a monster? Remember how good you felt, like the show itself had some teeth and things were about to get seriously dangerous for the survivors? And remember how deflated you felt when it was all a Dallas-style dream? Kill her, already.
So, no, I won’t be a participant in J.J. Abrams continuing Adventures in Blue Balls. Best of luck to everyone involved. When something interesting and conclusive happens on the show, shoot me an email, k? Maybe I’ll give a damn.